Advice for Guys: The Best Cure for Approach Anxiety

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(Side note: If you’re a woman reading this then I welcome you to keep reading and then share this with all the male friends and relatives in your life that you feel may benefit from this article.)

I’ve been there too guys, the sweaty palms, the racing thoughts and the swiftly beating heart. I have had approach anxiety as well when I see a cute lady that I would like to speak to and ask out.

I too have been stuck in my head, wondering what good line I should use to woo her. I have given myself every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t approach that cute girl in the coffee shop, gym, library or bar. These excuses ranged from “I’m too tired”, “I’m too busy”, “I just don’t feel like it”, and “oh she isn’t cute enough for me to actually take the time to approach”. I have developed enough self-awareness now to where I can admit the reason why I came up with these things. And that reason was that I was afraid to approach her. I was afraid to be vulnerable and allow myself to be rejected should she not be interested. And I was afraid of the short-term disappointment I would experience if she wasn’t interested, which was completely irrational.

I still get the case of the willies when I approach women, but I have become more confident because of my morning routine and my overall personal development.  Because of this, I have started to approach women more.

Now some of these women outright ignore me while others are very warm and receptive and enthusiastically accept my invitation to go on a date with me.

There was one instance where I met this very attractive woman in church and we talked for a while and I asked her out on a date. She said yes and we had a fun time on our date. She even told me how she saw me for a few weeks in church before we met and she thought I was really cute and when I introduced myself to her she felt very nervous and her heart was racing.

Her saying this goes to show that our beliefs that we aren’t good enough for the women we are attracted to are often delusional and if we find a woman attractive there is a chance that she finds us attractive as well. It also shows that if we’re nervous to go up and talk to her, she may be even more so when we approach her. But if we don’t approach her at all out of our own irrational fears, then we will never find out if she was interested or not.

I understand that approaching a woman and exposing yourself to a possible rejection from her is nerve wracking.  And a lot of the time, this feeling is due to a lack of confidence in yourself.  But as Mark Manson says in his book Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty, you need to keep in mind that even if she is not interested and rejects you it almost never has anything to do with you. In fact, about 90% of the time it has nothing to do with you. After all, she doesn’t even know who you are and what you bring to the table.

Of course, that 10% of the time when it does have something to do you with you, find out what that something is. When you figure out what you are doing to turn women off, the obvious answer is to stop doing that. For me, I used to get very sloppy at the bar and try to approach women in that state because I was too scared to do it without liquid courage. Of course, there is no greater turn off to a woman than acting like drunken buffoon so getting liquored up did not get me anywhere. So, I decided to scale back on my drinking when trying to approach women although I haven’t had much experience doing this as I don’t go out to bars nearly as much as I used to.

However, most of the time when I approach women in public places during the day I usually will get a warm reception and end up going on at least one date with them. If they aren’t friendly or if they say no thanks to the date, I do the best I can to not take it personally. I don’t look at it as a failure instead I remain detached from the outcome and only care about whether I actually approached. If they decide I’m not for them or vice versa so be it, but at least I put myself out there and tried. That creates more progress than just sitting there making up excuses all the time.

Whether the rejection you faced was because of something you did or not, when you get rejected it doesn’t help your case at all if you choose to not approach another woman. In fact, doing this just hurts your confidence in the long run because you are denying yourself of what you want. In essence, you are not following that second pillar of empowerment I talk about in previous posts.

Also, when you make excuses about why you shouldn’t approach women, especially when those excuses have anything to do with MGTOW rhetoric then you are condemning yourself to never finding a partner. You essentially create a self-fulfilling prophecy and this causes more misery for you in the long run because deep down you truly do want an amazing female partner in your life.

So the next time you see a woman you think is attractive, approach her and talk to her. Make sure that you let her know in a gentlemanly way that you find her attractive and you would like to take her out.

If she rejects you, move on to the next one. If she accepts but flakes on you, move on to the next one. If you decide she isn’t right for you or vice versa, move on to the next one. Rinse and repeat until you get what you want, which I’m guessing is a girlfriend or at least someone to have a little fun with. The key to finding a partner is persistence and consistency.

Some of you will have an easier time with it than others. I for one know that I have a hard time with it but I’m not going to worry about it because by consistently talking to attractive women and consistently working on myself to be the best I can be, I know I will meet a woman who is right for me. And with time so will you.

So you might be asking how you can get better with approaching women and the best advice I can give you is to just do it. If you see a girl you like, go up to her and don’t question yourself. I have found that the more you question going up to an attractive woman the more you get into your head which only hurts you.  Just go up to her and make conversation. Mark Manson suggests in Models that instead of the typical questions like “how’s your night?” or “what do you do for a living?” you can instead make a statement.  An example of this could be “You seem like a Southern girl” and use a playful tone when saying it.

The best part of making statements is that you give her a chance to expand upon what you said if you are correct in your observation or she can correct you and you can use various parts of her answer as hook points to keep the conversation going.  When I read about this in Models I thought it was an interesting and fresh look at making conversation with women. And another great part about making statements on observations is that it doesn’t just apply to meeting women. I can apply to any social interaction you have with another human being.

In addition to using statements you can also ask the woman questions but make sure they are good questions that will get her talking. The main idea here is that she should be doing the majority of the talking during the initial meeting and first date. This is an effective skill to have because if you listen it shows that you are a good listener and that you genuinely care. It is also effective because people naturally enjoy talking about themselves.

When you approach women, it is important that you pay attention to their body language. You don’t want to force yourself on someone who is not interested in talking to you.

Things that indicate she may not be interested includes but is not limited to: turning away from you, not making eye contact, giving you short or one-word responses to things you say or is looking at her phone.

Things that indicate that she is interested: She is leaning towards you, she plays with her hair, she looks in your eyes but then looks away in a coy manner and she asks you a lot of questions.

There are tons and tons of things you can look for to see if a woman is interested in you or not but they are not cookie cutter. For example, I had a woman who asked me tons of questions and acted very interested in getting to know me at first when I first approached her in my college’s cafeteria.  However, when I asked her out on a date she quickly said she was not interested in doing that with me. I was confused as to why but it is what it is. I didn’t take it personally and just moved on. The best thing for you to do is feel out the interaction and use your gut intuition and social intellect to see if she really is interested or not.  And the bottom line is that most women won’t show obvious signs they’re attracted to you. Sometimes you just have to go for it and see what happens.

One thing that I need to, unfortunately, note here is that if a woman outright tells you to leave her alone, if she walks away from you or if she ignores you then it’s best to move on. It is simply not worth getting into trouble harassing someone so if she acts cold or distant just cut your losses and move forward.

Another thing that I need to mention is that if you are attracted to a woman, but she has a boyfriend or says she just wants to be friends, move on.  There is no point in being “just friends” with a woman that you want more with. Too many guys allow themselves to be “friend-zoned” in that they stay friends with a woman they’re attracted to who just sees them as a friend in hopes she’ll come around. This a massive time waster and it is best you move on if this happens. If a woman you are interested in says she’s taken or just wants to be friends, tell her you’re not interested in that and that she should let you know if she changes her mind or breaks up with her boyfriend.

That way you free up your time to pursue other women who are both single and interested in romance with you. Always think in abundance, never in scarcity when it comes to women.

And the secret to attracting a great woman does not consist of insincere pickup lines or narcissistic attempts to demonstrate higher value to her. It consists of working on becoming the very best version of yourself possible, which is what Empower Yourself Online and the Four Pillars of Empowerment are all about.

Let me know in the comments section what your dating experiences have been like and if you are a woman reading this then share it to all your male friends and relatives who are having trouble approaching and dating women they find attractive.  And be sure to like and share this on social media as well. Until next time, take care!

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